My husband is directing a documentary about a writer affected by agoraphobia and anxiety. This New Year's Eve, she made a resolution to meet all of her Facebook friends in person. The project is up on Kickstarter, but is not fully funded. We have less than 18 hours to completely fund the project; otherwise, the project receives nothing and we have to start from scratch. Please, please help if you can...by donating, spreading the word on Livejournal, Facebook, Twitter, etc.

Here are some links:

Film website: http://www.f2fb.net/

Kickstarter page: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/gophofilms/face-to-facebook-f2fb

Thank you so much.

I've been lethargic, lazy, exhausted and unmotivated.  I feel awful but just cannot seem to do the things I know would make me feel better: work out, sing, stop reading old letters.  Clean more, cook more, write more.  Find things for myself, things to do that do not involve parenting a small boy...because while it's mostly a delightful occupation, I feel woefully underprepared and sometimes, quite incompetent.  And it shouldn't be the only thing in my life, and right now, it very nearly is. 

I'm also angry - angry, and bitter and resentful, and unable not to be - but I can't talk about it.  I can't even write about it.  It's that invisible gag again, and I'm powerless to do anything; the words simply won't come.  Something stops me.  I tell it all to B., of course, and then feel bad for voicing all these ugly thoughts.  But it helps, I suppose?  For a while, anyway.  Then it all just comes back.  I don't know how to make it go away. 

The small things help; the quotidian kindnesses, the little gestures.  People likely don't even know how much they mean, how they help me get through the day.  But they do, and when I think of it, I'm intensely grateful. 

I've lost the habit of writing here. I write plenty elsewhere; bits and pieces, fits and starts. Things that will never make it past the drafts folder of my e-mail. Scraps of stories, wisps of ideas: mostly useless, though sometimes satisfying to find and read, small mouthfuls of something rich and delicious (but too much would be both overwhelming and empty.) 

I try to organize my thinking, but it's scattershot, changeable. I'm distracted and disarmed by autumn, remembering years gone by. Ideas about death and dying (of all sorts, metaphorical as well as actual) get a lot of mental airtime in the fall.

My reading has slowed as never before; it recently took me over a month to finish a book. This has never happened. Never. Granted, it was an 800-page book, but still. There was a time when I could've polished that off in a day. There's just no time. I miss it.

I don't seem to know who I am anymore. My confidence was shattered, and it hasn't really recovered. I'm trying to fit my ideas of myself into this new life, one where I simply cannot be as selfish and self-absorbed as I was accustomed to being. And I've been feeling invisible, voiceless, useless, nearly nonexistent. I am one small person's world, but the larger world is passing me by and it makes me panicky.

There are so many things I need to do, and I don't know where to begin.

And how are you?

I don't even know if anyone still reads this. I don't know how to write, sometimes, without sounding maudlin and whiny, so I don't write at all, or I censor myself. There are good things in my life, undoubtedly; there are also things that tear me to pieces. How to balance them out? How to stop feeling such disappointment in humanity? I've really no idea.

My faith in people is at an all-time low. I'm lonely and sad and I feel utterly useless and absolutely worthless - I can't say it more plainly than that.

I'm going to help a friend create a profile on a dating site...I've been threatening to do this for a while, and I think I've finally convinced him.

SO: any suggestions/advice/sites to avoid at all costs? I've heard/read things here and there though I've never done this myself. My starting points for this idea are nerve.com and okcupid...but if there are any particularly good options out there, do let me know.

New Year's Eve was fairly quiet; we had some friends over and cooked. I made garlic-mushroom tarts in phyllo dough, and wrapped a wheel of Brie in phyllo and baked it after anointing it with fig preserve and black pepper. Dinner was chicken Dijon (the recipe I got from a friend, who got it from her mother, who got it from her neighbor in Paris), fresh bread, and a spinach salad. Our friends brought three types of dessert, and there was much wine and champagne consumed. I fell asleep relatively early and fully clothed.

The next day, other friends had their (well it should be anyway) famous New Year's Day brunch...and we were the first people to arrive, at 12:30. The day was spent eating more amazing food, drinking far too much champagne, and alternately socializing and watching Mel Brooks movies, in the company of lots of interesting people (plus a bacon-obsessed cat named Chairman Mao and a Dandy Dinmont Terrier named Dylan, who annoyed the cat no end.) I was helpless with laughter at this scene from High Anxiety:



All in all, a good day.

Had to go back to work today, but I came in late, left early, and had a two-margarita lunch with the only other co-worker who was actually in the office, so that wasn't all bad.

Have my nephew's birthday party this weekend, but thankfully, no other real plans. I'm looking forward to not doing much of anything. Not so much to trying not to smoke; once I have finished my latest pack of cigarettes, that's it. Wish me luck.

Currently re-reading Wicked (because I bought the sequel a few weeks ago) and am surprised and delighted all over again at how enjoyable it is - I hadn't read it in about a decade. Saw the musical years ago, and all I can say about that is: I'm glad I didn't pay for the tickets. I'm not usually much for musicals anyway, and this epitomized the whole idea of Any Other Incarnation Sort Of Ruins The Book.

Today was absolutely awful, probably one of the worst work days ever. I'm not going to get into it because I've finally relaxed and I'll only tense up all over again, but I will say that I am completely fed up with playing diplomat to a bunch of cranky co-workers, as well as doing two to three jobs at once when people are out of the office, and not only not getting recognized for doing so, but actually being chastised for mis-prioritizing (in our team lead's opinion) and RUN-ON SENTENCE! WHEE!

I think she's just mad because she was going to take tomorrow off until I pointed out that our boss had capped all requests for time off a month ago...and she didn't believe me, then looked it up and found that I was right.

Ayyyyyy.

In other news, I bought pretty new red headphones today, and the sound is far superior to either of my old pairs. This is especially nice because it means I can drown out the co-worker chatter.

Disillusioned? Me?

I cannot bloody wait for this week to be over.

Me, after too much bourbon, at a friend's birthday party:

Bone-chilling cold, and I'm miserable about it. Walking home from the bus, slipping on hillocks of hard-as-rock frozen snow, bundled up in layer after layer - insulated boots, down coat, lined leather gloves, scarf, ridiculous Fargo hat - and I'm still shivering when I get to my (relatively) warm home. I cannot imagine anything colder, don't want to think about negative temperatures and near-unbelievable windchill factors. The pipes in the basement froze yesterday and I couldn't do laundry. I wonder how anything (or anyone) can bear to be out for more than a few minutes in this, and worry about those who have no choice.

When I went to Alaska in March one year, I expected it to be as cold as it was in Chicago, if not colder - but I was in the temperate rainforest part of the state, and it was beautiful all week, warmer than it was at home. Same thing when I spent Christmas in London quite a few years ago...totally amazed at the 40-50 degree temperature. The last day, there was snow - seven or eight inches, which seemed to throw the entire city into a tizzy. Our flight was terribly delayed, and all we could do was laugh...seven inches? Really? It seemed like nothing at all, but all of Heathrow ground to a halt and newscasters had dire warnings about going out.

I really need to move somewhere else; I love Chicago, and in the other three seasons it's a wonderful city. But I am most heartily sick of winter, and it's hardly gotten started. I find it very sad when thirty degrees starts to sound like a heat wave.

The very bad days are few and far between, now...but sometimes they still come.

Last night I stood out on the landing in a blustery snow-globe world, staring at the glittering Chicago skyline and listening to this song, hot tears coursing down my face.

It's sort of funny-but-not...I read this the other day:

"Missing someone isn't about how long it's been since you've seen them last or the amount of time since you last talked. It's about that very moment when you're doing something and you wish that they were right there with you."

Too true.

Tu me manque